Lesbian Health

If you are reading this guide, you may have questions about your own sexual orientation or about someone who is close to you. Having questions about your sexuality is perfectly normal, and taking the time to learn more is a great way to explore questions and address concerns you may have. After reading this we hope that most of your questions will be answered and you will have a better idea of the many resources available to gay teens. We have included a variety of resources at the end of this guide for help and support.

What is a lesbian?

A lesbian is a woman who is sexually attracted to other women and prefers to have a woman as her partner. The word "lesbian" is a term that some women use to describe themselves and understand their sexual
orientation; however, some women prefer to use other terms like "gay" or "queer" and some prefer not to use a label at all.

How do I know if I am a lesbian?

Having one or two sexual experiences with another woman does not necessarily mean you are a lesbian; nor does having a "crush" on someone of the same sex. Many gay people have had sexual experiences with someone of the opposite sex, just as many straight people have had experiences with someone of the same sex. It's okay to be unsure whether you are gay or straight, and it's okay to take your time in finding out. Your sexual "orientation" will develop over time. What is most important is that you listen to your feelings—you don't need to label yourself.

What does it mean to be bisexual?

Bisexual is the term used to describe people who have sexual and romantic feelings for both men and women. A bisexual can be more attracted to one gender than the other, or he/she can be equally attracted to both. Some gay and lesbian people, (when they first acknowledge their own feelings), may say that they are bisexual, and later describe themselves as a gay man or a lesbian. However, there are also a lot of people who are attracted to both men and women.

If I am not having sex with men, why do I need to see a doctor?

It is a common but completely untrue belief that lesbians do not need gynecologic care. Many lesbians feel they are at a low risk for getting STDs because they are not having sex with men. Routine physicals, Pap smears, and (if you are sexually active with men, women, or both men and women) STD counseling and testing are very important. Don't assume that just because you are in a same-sex relationship you are not at risk. Continue to see a health care provider for checkups.

Am I at risk for STDs even if I have sex only with women?

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are infections that are typically passed through sexual, and sometimes nonsexual, contact with an infected person. Anyone can become infected. STDs can be passed from woman to woman even if neither one has ever had sex with a man. STDs are spread through contact with infected body fluids, such as blood (including menstrual blood), vaginal fluids, semen and discharge from a sore caused by an STD. They can also be spread through contact with infected skin or mucous membranes, and through vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Whether you are gay or straight, it is important to always practice safer sex to lower your chances of getting a STD.

How do I lower my risk of getting a STD?

There are ways to be close to another woman that lowers your chances of getting a STD. Some ways to connect with another person and have safe sex could include: hugging, (dry) kissing, masturbation/mutual masturbation, and giving each other a massage. If you're going to be in contact with your partner's vaginal fluids, be sure to protect yourself by using an oral barrier, such as a "dental dam." Oral barriers are protective materials made of latex or very thin plastic. They are used to cover a part of the body and prevent contact with body fluids that could be infected with a STD.

Ways to lower your risks:

• Use an oral barrier, "dental dam" or cut a condom or a latex glove into a square piece of latex. Hold the square piece of latex firmly with your fingers and stretch it over your partner's vulva to prevent direct contact with bodily fluids.
• Latex gloves, condoms or finger sheaths can protect against transmission of STDs through sores or cuts/hangnails on fingers when having finger play or digital penetration.

You may want to ask your healthcare provider about where to find dental dams. For more information on sexually transmitted diseases, visit our STD guides and our guide to Making Healthy Sexual Decisions.

How can I find a health care provider who will help and support me?

For your primary care provider to provide the best care, it is important that he or she know about the people and the issues in your life. You should feel safe and comfortable enough with your health care provider to be completely honest about your sexuality, and to ask any questions that you may have.

You may feel comfortable speaking to your current health care provider about your sexual identity, or you may want to look for a new primary care provider.

You can:

• Ask trusted family members and friends for recommendations of health care providers (HCP’s) who may be especially sensitive to your needs.
• Meet with a few HCP’s to see who you are the most comfortable with.
• Look at online databases such as the GLMA Physician Reference Program to find a health care provider in your area that is particularly sensitive to the needs of gay/lesbian teens.

Finding a health care provider with whom you can talk honestly, and openly ask questions is an important way to get the support you need and deserve.

Where can I go for support and additional information?

There are many people who are willing to help and support you. If you have not had the chance to talk about your feelings with anyone, think about a person with whom you feel comfortable and can trust. It is possible that not everyone you meet will be accepting of your sexual orientation, and you may face some prejudice and discrimination. So trust your own feelings about who to reach out to for support. It is important to use your own instincts and judgment. The person that you choose to talk with could be a:

• Parent
• Doctor or nurse
• Family member
• School counselor
• Trusted friend
• Teacher
• Clergy member

Sharing your feelings with someone who is willing to listen is very important. If there is no one in your life that you can trust, there are plenty of resources available that will tell you where you can go to meet people and discuss your feelings.

Gay/Straight Alliances
Many schools have Gay/Straight Alliances, GLBT(Gay, Lesbian,Bi-sexual, Transgender) networks or other groups where you will be able to meet students and teachers willing to listen and share their own experiences. Gay/StraightAlliances and GLBT newtorks are also support groups that work to help reduce anti-gay violence, harassment, and discrimination. They do this by providing information about homophobia (fear and prejudice against lesbian, gay and bisexual people) to the school community and by encouraging open and honest discussions to increase understanding within the school. These groups are usually led by students (with teachers acting as advisors) and are open to all students. If your school does not have a Gay/Straight Alliance, you may want to talk to a trusted teacher about the possibility of starting one. Organizations such as GLSEN can be a great resource and provide you with information on how to start a GSA in your school.

Guidance Counselors
Consider talking to a guidance or health counselor at your school and asking him or her for information about resources in your area.

Other Resources
Look on the Internet, in the phone book, or perhaps even in your local newspaper for organizations and groups where you can meet and find support from other gay teens, adults, parents of gay teens. Be sure to look for groups that are run by trained counselors. Although it is tempting to meet with someone online that you feel you have connected with, it can be very dangerous. In fact it's REALLY hard to tell if someone is telling the truth online. People can make up the information or misrepresent themselves and stalk young women on the Internet whether they are lesbian, straight, or bisexual. Bottom line is that some people who use the Internet are not trustworthy and could hurt you. For tips on how to stay safe in cyberspace, check out our guide to safety on the internet.

What should I tell my parents and other family members?

Coming out to your family is often very scary and an incredibly brave thing to do. Make sure you are ready. Not everyone may be willing to accept your homosexuality at first. However, hiding your sexual orientation keeps the important people in your life from knowing an important part of who you are. This can make you feel lonely and isolated. Take your time in deciding if and when you want to come out. You should not feel at all pressured to tell anyone until you are ready. Some gay teens say that after they came out, they became much closer to their families—that it was a relief not to be keeping a secret any longer. But some teens know that their parents or other familiy members are not ready to hear about their sexual orientation and worry about being treated unfairly. Be as open and honest with your parents as you feel comfortable being.

If you do choose to come out to your parents and other family members, try to have a support system (of trusted friends and adults like a teacher or counselor) in place. Some teens find it helpful to practice what they are going to say when coming out to family. Others find it helpful to write letters explaining their sexuality followed by a face-to-face conversation. Afterwards be sure to plan for some time with your “support team” to discuss your family’s reactions.

Where can my parents find information and support?

Learning about your sexual identity may be both confusing and concerning for your parents. After you tell them, be prepared that your parents will need some time to accept what you have shared. The best thing that you can do is offer them honest answers, resources and people they can talk to. The more homework you've done, the more self-assured you'll seem which will help your parents realize that you are ready to take responsibility for yourself.

There are lots of support groups, books, and web sites that can help your parents understand what it means to have a gay child. Encourage them to find a local PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) Chapter, where they can meet other parents of gay youth,and receive information and support.

What should I tell my friends?

Coming out to your friends may raise concerns that feel different than when you talked to your family. It is normal to want to be accepted for who you are by your friends and other peer groups. It is also true that in middle school and high school in particular, it is sometimes difficult to feel like you “fit in”, whether you are gay, straight or bisexual. What helps is to try and surround yourself with friends whom you know are accepting of your sexual orientation. Some of your friends may already know but others may be surprised. Being honest and open and knowing about available resources will go a long way in communicating with your friends.

Please remember that you are not alone. There are many 24-hour hotlines available to answer questions, give you information, and just listen to your thoughts and concerns. It is very difficult and very brave to come out as a bisexual or a lesbian. Take your time, trust your inner feelings, and never be afraid to reach out and ask for help and support.

Additional Resources

Books for Teens:

Bauer, Marianne Dane, ed. Am I Blue? Coming Out from the Silence. New York: Harper Collins, 1994.

Chandler, Kurt. Passages of Pride: Lesbian and Gay Youth Come of Age. New York: Times Books/Random House, 1995.

Cohen, Susan and David. When Someone You Know is Gay. New York: Dell, 1992.

Garden, Nancy. Annie On My Mind. New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux, 1982.

Herdt, Gilbert. Children of Horizons: How Gay and Lesbian Teens are Leading a New Way Out of the Closet. Boston: Beacon Press, 1993.

Heron, Ann. Two Teenagers in Twenty: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1994.

Mastoon, Adam. The Shared Heart: Portraits and Stories Celebrating Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Young People. New York: William Morrow and Company, 1997.

Moore, Lisa, ed. Does Your Mama Know? An Anthology of Black Lesbian Coming Out Stories. Austin, TX: RedBone Press, 1997.

Pollack, Rachel. The Journey Out: a Guide For and About Lesbian, Gay, And Bisexual Teens. New York: Viking, 1995.

Rench, Janice E. Understanding Sexual Identity: A Book for Gay and Lesbian Teens. Minneapolis: Lerner, 1990.

White, Jocelyn C. and Marissa C. Martinez. The Lesbian Health Book: Caring for Ourselves. New York: Seal Press, 1997.